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Greetings to you from WriteWorks columnist Miss
Staitett, bringing you incredibly "Foul Language" each month
— infamous and otherwise unforgettable fouled-up language: word
blunders from the real world of miscommunication. For any of us who
have embarrassed ourselves with message-altering typos, with words that
could be (and were) taken the wrong way, and with translation errors,
may you find comfort in these painful passages, knowing that, at least,
you were not alone.
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Dear Reader,
I hope you enjoy this list of fouled-up news headlines. I feel
this demonstrates how easy it is to deliver an
unintended message by phrasing your words in ways that can have more than
one meaning. Please note though: this list is purely for your
enjoyment. If
you just want a good laugh (which this list will surely provide), please do not read my footnote caveats.
If you wish to do anything else with this list, other than print it for
the enjoyment of your family or coworkers, please do read the footnotes. Please.
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Year's Worst Actual* News
Headlines of 2002**
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1.
Air Head Fired
2.
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
3.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
4.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by
Board
5.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
6.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in
Short Supply
7.
Chef Throws His Heart into
Helping Feed Needy
8.
Clinton Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
9.
Cold Wave Linked to
Temperatures
10. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
11. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
12. Deer Kill 17,000
13. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
14. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
15. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17. Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
18. Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
19. Eye Drops Off Shelf
20. Farmer Bill Dies in House
21. Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
22. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
23. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
24. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
25. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
26. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
27. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
28. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years
29. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
30. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
31. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
32. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
33. Man Steals Clock, Faces Time
34. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
35. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
36. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
37. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni
40. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes over
41. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Indicates
42. Police Find Man Dead to Death in Motel
43. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
44. Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
45. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
46. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
47. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus
to 66
48. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
49. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
50. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
51. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
52. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
53. Stud Tires Out
54. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
55. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
56. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
57. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
58. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
59. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
60. War Dims Hope for Peace
* Or, do
these worst “actual” headlines come from the year 2001? Or maybe 2000?
Read below for details.
** Are we sure these headlines are even factual, published
headlines, as claimed? Read below for details.
The Dirty Truth
There’s nothing quite so debilitating to your
credibility as stating something as a fact that isn’t factual. Take this
“actual headlines” list, for example. A reader who thought it might be a
great idea for my column of literary and spoken blunders passed it on to
WriteWorks. We agreed!
What a hoot. But, of course, we first put our research
staff to work on verifying the source, since the reader who gave it to us
wasn’t sure. Perhaps you will be enlightened by what we found:
·
First,
various versions of this list were published hundreds of places online,
yet none of the sites quoted
the source of the article (except to quote another person’s Web site that
either quoted another site, or gave no source). Incidentally, none of the sites with this list
were reputable, recognized publications such as CNN, New York Times,
Reuters, etc.
·
Second,
if they were “actual” headlines, then whose headlines list was correct?
As it turns out, the wording of the headlines varied from one publication
to another. Plus, some lists had new headlines the others didn’t have,
and some were missing headlines common to the other lists.
·
Third,
online searches and library database searches for specific news headlines
from the list generated zero finds. If they were once real headlines, how
had the headlines and their attached articles all mysteriously
disappeared from public record?
·
Fourth
– and most telling, I’d say – the “Worst Headlines” list was labeled as
belonging to the year 2002 on some lists, 2001 on two lists, 2000 on six
sites, and so forth, as far back as 1997. Are we to believe people were
stupid enough to make the same blunders year after year? Maybe we should
conclude that these were amazing annual coincidences? If you wish.
As for me, I will call this list an enjoyable piece
of fiction. So, before you decide to pass this on to you’re friends, or
post it on your Web site as honest-to-goodness news headlines of (insert
year of your choice here), do us a favor: do not credit us as your
source.
Begs the Question, Doesn’t It?
How can you know if the
“facts” you are using are factual? I suggest you contact WriteWorks. Our
WriteWorks research experts provide fact-checking services to verify the
accuracy of any statements you plan to make in a speech or document.
Sincerely,
Miss
Staitett
Share Your Pain!
Have you ever fouled up your written or spoken communications
into something embarrassing, humorous, scandalous, or enraging? ‘Fess up
here! Write
and tell me: Miss Staitett. I will publish the best of our readers’
memorable mishaps and blunders of public record in upcoming editions of
Foul Language. Until then, watch your language!
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