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Greetings, dear readers. Miss Staitett here,
bringing you painfully humorous tragedies of language from the streets.
This month, I’m afraid we have some real stinkers. As I’m sure you know, the job seeker’s first impression on a potential
employer is the resume. It is therefore with great sorrow that I bring
you this collection of excerpts from actual resumes. Pray that none of
your own resumes made this list . . .
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Resume
Atrocities
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Sadly, these
embarrassing resume and cover letter excerpts are real, collected by my
dear friends at Robert Half International,
a specialized staffing services company.
They have graciously permitted me to reprint these horrendous
blunders, collected from their resumania Web
site. These 10 are the language atrocities that pain me the most.
Please – no chuckling now:
1. "Consistently tanked as top sales
producer for new accounts."
This reminds me of the time yours truly attempted a career in sales. Not
a pretty sight.
2. "Revolved customer problems and
inquiries."
By “revolved,” can we assume the applicant specializes in putting the
customer in an endless loop of buck-passing? I think I’ve met the
specialist before . . .
3.
"Experienced
supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals."
Defective? I’m sure this
applicant was effective and
being turned down for this position.
4.
"Dramatically
increased exiting account base, achieving new company record."
They must have been exiting at
a tremendous rate.
5.
"Planned
new corporate facility at $3 million over budget."
Don’t let this applicant near your bank account!
6.
"Directed
$25 million anal shipping and receiving operations."
Perhaps this applicant would be helpful bringing up the rear . . .
7.
Under qualifications section of resume: "Twin sister has accounting degree.”
Will she be sitting at the desk with you, I hope?
8.
"Promoted
to district manger to oversee 37 retail storefronts."
I say we need fewer mangers – more managers, don’t you?
9.
"I
am seeking a salary commiserate with my training and experience."
You should be seeking someone to commiserate
with you about your unemployment, young man. No doubt, you meant
“commensurate?”
10.
"Seeking
a party-time position with potential for advancement."
This applicant wishes to advance to the front of the punch bowl line, or
the bunny hop line?
Next week, I plan to present several humorous examples, proving
that professional journalists are not immune from horrendous editorial
blunders either. You won’t want to miss that.
Share Your Pain!
Have you ever fouled up your written or spoken communications
into something embarrassing, humorous, scandalous, or enraging? ‘Fess up
here! Write
and tell me: Miss Staitett. I will publish the best of our readers’
memorable mishaps and blunders of public record in upcoming editions of
Foul Language. Until then, watch your language!
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